the shadow realm

I'm not sure how to begin.

alongside my real life, there's a sliding doors version of my life where I've been writing you newsletters. several times a week, the thought occurs to me: "I should write about this." sometimes I even start writing something in my head. it never gets any farther than that.

this has been happening literally for years. the newsletter in my shadow non-life has a rich library of entries and, I presume, robust readership.

I'll be 44 this year. in my twenties, I wrote avidly, hungrily. a little obsessively. I carried a notebook around with me at all times and I was constantly writing in it. in those days, I believed I would be like that forever: that the words would never slow down, let alone turn off. the impulse would always be there, and the confidence.

I kept writing after college, and kept a blog for years. then, little by little, life got in the way, as it does. a voice crept into my head and it said, who cares about this? why do you think anyone cares? no one is wondering about your inane thoughts, no one is demanding to know the frivolous intricacies of your life. and little by little, I stopped. it didn't matter that I myself quite enjoy reading personal newsletters. it didn't matter, even, that people have said over the years how much they missed reading what I had to write. it was like a wall had formed between me and the empty page. there was no getting there from here.

but on this side of that wall, I've been writing a shadow newsletter in my head. and I just kept thinking, someday the day will come when you will sit down and write something, and hit publish. it will come out of the blue. you will not be able to manufacture it and you will not be able to predict it. you just have to hang on and believe it will come. run your hand along the wall long enough and one day you'll find a door.

all that is to say: welcome to hot dog town :)